Marlene2Marley

Marcus and I had a long talk today about my sexuality.  Marcus (who identifies as trans) thinks I may be transgendered as well.  It's hard for me to fathom it still, but I agree with him.  I know in my first post I identified as gender queer.  But being trans has been a part of me since 2007.  When I came out as trans to my family in 2008, they said it was a phase and even got angry at me.  So I suppressed the feelings.  I don't like causing conflict or drama, so I forced myself to try to look feminine.  I went to the store with Marcus yesterday and bought some men's clothes.  When I got home I showed them to my family and they said "So you're dressing like a boy now?"  My answer was a simple "Yes." and left it at that.  Luckily there wasn't any anger or tension from them.  I'm thinking it may be safe to tell them I'm trans, again.  Possibly in my appointment with my psychiatrist.  I feel safe there.  How should I tell them?  This is harder than anything I've ever had to tell them.  I know they won't disown me, but I want them to understand where I'm coming from.  This goes beyond wearing men's clothes.  I'm absolutely disgusted with my woman parts.   As far as I'm concerned, they're invisible yet obvious (I'm big chested).  It's extremely difficult for me to pass as a man.  It devastates me :(. 

Marcus told me reassuring things.  He said he'll support me through this and won't shun me an will always love me.  I am one lucky man.

I Love and Cherish

This post is dedicated to those I love. 

This is Marcus, my wonderful husband.  We started dating April 8th and we married September 8th.  He is a true blessing in my life.  He makes me laugh when I'm down and makes me cry from feeling so in love.  We support and accept each other.  I feel so intensely lucky to have him in my life. 

Here we are on my 29th birthday.  He is on the left and I'm on the right:

 And now come my pets.  I am a proud "mommy" to Ziggy the hedgehog and Popcorn the guinea pig. 

Ziggy actually used to be viscious.  You can't tell in his pictures, but he was quite a biter.  I had given him to a good friend of mine to rehabilitate him.  The solution to the problem: he needed to be held in a blanket.  It was something so simple but it made a HUGE difference.  He eventually stopped biting and now lets me hold him with bare hands again.  I chose to have him rehabilitated rather than give him away because I loved him regardless and did not want to give up on him.  Afterall, I was all he knew since he was 7 weeks old.  He's turned into such a sweetheart.  He LOVES ham!

Here he is puffing up at a tiny Christmas bow.  He's adorable!:

 

 

 Introducing a new member of my family: Popcorn the guinea pig!  Popcorn is very talkative and loves to get hugs and gives kisses.  He is only 10 weeks old.  His favorite thing to do is hop up and down in his cage in excitement during food time.  His food of choice: carrots.  He loves them!

Baby Popcorn:

 

 

 

I just wanted to make this post because I feel blessed to have Marcus, Ziggy and Popcorn.

 I couldn't feel more content than I am at this point in my life...

From Past to Present

For 20 years now, I've been very confused with my sexuality.   I couldn't understand why I liked boy toys and wearing boy clothes.  Instead, I grew up wearing dresses and thought it was taboo to kiss other girls because I thought I'd be shunned or hated.  I pretended to have crushes on boy celebrities to "fit in".  I was always curious about girls and it was something I wanted to explore. 

Fast forward to 2001 when I was 17.  I had my first girl crush who is still a friend of mine til this day.  We shared intimacy and it opened a door to a part of me I had always repressed.  Without these moments she and I shared, I would probably still be in the closet.  I soon came out to my friends as bisexual. 

After graduating highschool and going off to college, I had a few boyfriends (who later became fiances) but much more few relationships with women.  This disappointed me greatly.  After every breakup with a boyfriend I said I was a lesbian.  I wanted badly to identify myself as gay.  Sex with men and relationships with them did nothing for me.  Yet I kept going back to them out of fear of being rejected by my family. 

January 2012:  I came out to my family!  I told my relatives privately that I was in fact a lesbian.  They accepted me with open arms.  It was the best feeling in the world, so much weight lifted off my shoulders.  I feel so lucky and blessed I have such an accepting family. 

And then I met Marcus.  He is the most loving, open minded, wonderful transman I want to spend the rest of my life with.  We married after only 6 months of dating each other.  I couldn't be happier!  However, my sexual identity has changed again.  I now identify as pansexual. 

I'm currently struggling with another part of myself, the part that stems from childhood (from feeling confused to being sexually abused).  I feel "safe" wearing men's clothes and having a masculine haircut.  I feel like it's "right" and that no one can hurt me anymore (even though the abuse stopped 10 years ago).  I've discovered I'm GenderQueer.  I identify as both genders.  I try not to look down so I don't see my biological parts, so I cover myself in men's clothes.  Right now I'm new at this.  And I'm lucky I'm still loved for me.